He's healing my heart

I've been super excited this past week since I found out John Eldredge had written a new book called Walking With God. I loved Waking the Dead and from what I could see the new book was going to be good too.

In Waking the Dead, John had talked about "agreements" we make with Satan without even really thinking about it. Usually they are subtle, but damaging statements that the Enemy whispers to us and we agree. Our hearts are in bondage to the agreement we made. So I got to the part in the new book where John describes his journey of wrestling with an agreement he had made long ago and not even realized it. He discovered that much of his drive to "do it himself" and drivenness that caused immense stress in his life was caused by the overwhelming conviction that Love will never stay. Through experiences in his life, he been wounded and never healed from that. His story of healing was cool so I thought, what the heck, why not try it myself...

I've learned to never underestimate God. I was driving to work this morning and I asked God, "Okay, reveal to me if I've made any agreements with Satan, ones that I've shoved down and not dealt with." So I kept driving, keeping my heart wide open for whatever.
Well, that "whatever" hit me in the chest like semi. I started thinking about how Monday I'm going to be getting my "Teacher of the Year" award at a special ceremony. Ever since I heard I'd won, I've never been excited. I faked being excited, but the award always felt hollow and disappointing. I started thinking, "Why? Why am I the only one not excited about this?" Then the agreement You're not good enough started ringing in my head like a bell, softly at first than over and over and over. Suddenly, the pain of the last few months overwhelmed me and years of people-pleasing drilled into me. I realized I was being attacked, quite literally.

It all made sense. I spent years growing up in a church that looked at me, a pastor's kid, and demanded perfection. I was never good enough. Here I am the daughter of two musicians and I can't really play any instrument proficiently. I never got good enough to do anything with it. I go to college and I don't fit the bill of the "cool college girl". I'm not good enough. I get my first job and within my first week, my principal literally tells me during a 2 hour conference, "You're not good enough". I work in a school system that is constantly reaffirming to teachers "You're not good enough". I teach at an underperforming school where the State has come in and told me, "You're not good enough". I've had numerous parent-teacher conferences where all I've heard is, "You're not good enough". I step out in faith to interview for international teaching jobs and all I get is rejection letters and silence with a growing fear of "I'm not good enough".

Within 10 seconds, these memories wash over me and I am in emotional, spiritual and physical pain. Thankfully, I remember that this is not me. This isn't true. I am good enough. I am loved and saved by the Creator of the Universe and He has gifted me and given me a purpose. I pray and pray and my praying becomes yelling Scripture out loud and finally I got to the point where whatever and whoever was attacking me left. I knew I needed Christ's healing and protection before I was attacked again and suddenly there was peace.

As this day has gone on, I've found myself reminded of the fact that I've lived out my life under the assumption that I'm not good enough. And it's crippled me. My prayer life is much more fervent now as I pray for repentance from making this agreement and reaffirming it most of my life. I pray for protection and healing for my heart as I try to learn how to live without fear of not being good enough.

I know it will take time for this wound to heal since it's been wide open for years now, but I'm amazed at how loved and at peace I am. I know I'll be battling the feeling of inadequacy and trying to keep it at bay, but I'm comforted by so many verse that tell me that I am good enough. Through Christ Jesus I have God-given talents and I have a future.

And what do you know? I'm actually excited about Monday's ceremony now.

Whatever You're Doing

Every once and a while a song comes along that pierces directly to where you're at in life. When this song came on the radio for the first time, I almost had to pull my car over because I was bawling. Here's a YouTube recording of it with the lyrics below.


It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
But I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?

So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...To...

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
But I'm giving into something Heavenly.

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly.

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly.

There is no Plan B

So contracts are due soon and I'm getting the same question about a bizillion times a day, "So have you heard anything yet? What are you going to do next year?"

Answer: No clue.

That's it.

I'm in that angst-ridden waiting period, but I realize that and I know it's for my good so I'm trying to get over the angst and enjoy the ride.

Second most asked question, "So what are you going to do if this doesn't work out?"

Answer: There is no plan B.

No seriously. I'm not pursuing anything else. I'm not holding on to my contract "just in case". I'm not getting certified in other states. I'm waiting, pursuing my passion and asking for wisdom. To some that may sound incredibly unwise, but check out James 1:

5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.
7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord;
8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

Quite frankly, I don't want to be blown and tossed by the wind. Been there, done that, not going back. So I have a choice: sit, worry, cry, doubt, plan "just in case", worry, eat pie, worry, repeat. OR I could ask for wisdom, listen for His voice and believe that God will provide.

What if God doesn't come through? Really...did some of your just think that...sad, huh. God has always provided and God's got a bigger perspective and bigger bank account than me so I'm thinking I'm going to trust Him to come through.

So for all of you out there who are somewhat convinced I'll be living in a cardboard box, no worries. It's nothing that God won't use for His glory and I'd rather that than fall back on an uninspired, soul-crushing Plan B.

GO and do the same!

Have you ever had the experience of someone asking you for something and you simply did not want to help? We usually have lots of good reasons to not aid certain types of people. Perhaps they were mean or rude, the kind of person who would never show gratitude or possibly even jeer at you if you attempted any kind of assistance. What keeps us from helping people in need?

Let's go to Luke where a religious law expert asks Jesus what he thinks is a win-win question. He'll say the right answer, Jesus will praise him and he'll feel smug and good about himself. But that's not what happens. Pick up the story in Luke 10:25-29

So far so good. But the man wanted more and boy did Jesus give him more here.

Jesus tells the famous "Good Samaritan" parable. (Bit of a pet peeve: "good" is such an underwhelming word for this act of mercy so I'm calling him the Compassionate Samaritan)
Here are some interesting things to note:

• Who passes the injured, naked man by? The most respected and "religious" members of the community.
• Who ends up literally saving the man's life? The most universally hated enemy of the Jewish people, a Samaritan.

It's hard for us to truly understand how much Samaritans were despised by Jewish people. It wasn't simply a prejudice preference...it was a cultural hatred that had been around for hundreds of years.

Which leads us to the question: did Jesus answer the man's question? No. He turned it back on the religious law expert and made him examine his own heart and motives. Jesus, on his way to Jerusalem, was combating this heart issue almost constantly.

Luke 9: 49-50--the disciples proudly report to Jesus that they told someone to stop casting out demons in Jesus' name because the person "isn't in our group". How does Jesus respond? He yells at them! “Don’t stop him! Anyone who is not against you is for you."

Luke 9:51-56--the Samaritans don't readily welcome Jesus and the disciples want Jesus to rain fire down on the village and destroy it. How does Jesus respond? This time, He really lays the smack down! "But Jesus turned and rebuked them."

So what does this have to do with us? Think about it: how many times have we been jealous of what other Christians or churches are doing or just mad because they don't do things our way? We criticize them for everything and refuse to help. We tell them to stop because they are not part of "our group". But Jesus made it clear. If they are for Jesus and you oppose them, you are opposing HIM!!!! Scary!!!

Also think about the one people group or person who have rejected you. Our first response is much like the disciples...rain down fire, baby! But Jesus is asking us to be completely different. Our first response is to be love. In the parable of the Compassionate Samaritan, the Samaritan is said to have had "compassion to act" when seeing the injured man. That word "compassion" in the original Greek is a rare word which has incredibly strong connotation. It literally means "gut-wrenching movement within your deepest being". Whoa.

When met with people in need who are messy, mean, different, unfriendly, inconvenient and just plain unlikeable is my first response love? If not, why not? What does that say about my heart and about my relationship with Christ?

When we look at the last part of the parable, Jesus ends: "Yes, now go and do the same." This is not a friendly suggestion. It's a direct command. We are to go and literally do the same.

Blaine, a South African former Mormon and current Episcopalian seminary student, blogged on this parable and gave a powerful paraphrase of this command:
"Go and do this kind of mercy — this gut-wrenching movement within your deepest being — to last person you can imagine as a neighbor to you"

Then I realized that my heart was bitter...

Psalm 73 highlights that blew me away! Asaph sounds like he wrote this yesterday.

But as for me, I almost lost my footing. My feet were slipping, and I was almost gone.
3 For I envied the proud when I saw them prosper despite their wickedness.
4 They seem to live such painless lives; their bodies are so healthy and strong.
5 They don’t have troubles like other people; they’re not plagued with problems like everyone else.

13 Did I keep my heart pure for nothing? Did I keep myself innocent for no reason?
14 I get nothing but trouble all day long; every morning brings me pain.
15 If I had really spoken this way to others, I would have been a traitor to your people.

16 So I tried to understand why the wicked prosper. But what a difficult task it is!
17 Then I went into your sanctuary, O God, and I finally understood the destiny of the wicked.
21 Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside.
22 I was so foolish and ignorant— I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.

23 Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth.
26 My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.

28 But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do.