He's healing my heart

I've been super excited this past week since I found out John Eldredge had written a new book called Walking With God. I loved Waking the Dead and from what I could see the new book was going to be good too.

In Waking the Dead, John had talked about "agreements" we make with Satan without even really thinking about it. Usually they are subtle, but damaging statements that the Enemy whispers to us and we agree. Our hearts are in bondage to the agreement we made. So I got to the part in the new book where John describes his journey of wrestling with an agreement he had made long ago and not even realized it. He discovered that much of his drive to "do it himself" and drivenness that caused immense stress in his life was caused by the overwhelming conviction that Love will never stay. Through experiences in his life, he been wounded and never healed from that. His story of healing was cool so I thought, what the heck, why not try it myself...

I've learned to never underestimate God. I was driving to work this morning and I asked God, "Okay, reveal to me if I've made any agreements with Satan, ones that I've shoved down and not dealt with." So I kept driving, keeping my heart wide open for whatever.
Well, that "whatever" hit me in the chest like semi. I started thinking about how Monday I'm going to be getting my "Teacher of the Year" award at a special ceremony. Ever since I heard I'd won, I've never been excited. I faked being excited, but the award always felt hollow and disappointing. I started thinking, "Why? Why am I the only one not excited about this?" Then the agreement You're not good enough started ringing in my head like a bell, softly at first than over and over and over. Suddenly, the pain of the last few months overwhelmed me and years of people-pleasing drilled into me. I realized I was being attacked, quite literally.

It all made sense. I spent years growing up in a church that looked at me, a pastor's kid, and demanded perfection. I was never good enough. Here I am the daughter of two musicians and I can't really play any instrument proficiently. I never got good enough to do anything with it. I go to college and I don't fit the bill of the "cool college girl". I'm not good enough. I get my first job and within my first week, my principal literally tells me during a 2 hour conference, "You're not good enough". I work in a school system that is constantly reaffirming to teachers "You're not good enough". I teach at an underperforming school where the State has come in and told me, "You're not good enough". I've had numerous parent-teacher conferences where all I've heard is, "You're not good enough". I step out in faith to interview for international teaching jobs and all I get is rejection letters and silence with a growing fear of "I'm not good enough".

Within 10 seconds, these memories wash over me and I am in emotional, spiritual and physical pain. Thankfully, I remember that this is not me. This isn't true. I am good enough. I am loved and saved by the Creator of the Universe and He has gifted me and given me a purpose. I pray and pray and my praying becomes yelling Scripture out loud and finally I got to the point where whatever and whoever was attacking me left. I knew I needed Christ's healing and protection before I was attacked again and suddenly there was peace.

As this day has gone on, I've found myself reminded of the fact that I've lived out my life under the assumption that I'm not good enough. And it's crippled me. My prayer life is much more fervent now as I pray for repentance from making this agreement and reaffirming it most of my life. I pray for protection and healing for my heart as I try to learn how to live without fear of not being good enough.

I know it will take time for this wound to heal since it's been wide open for years now, but I'm amazed at how loved and at peace I am. I know I'll be battling the feeling of inadequacy and trying to keep it at bay, but I'm comforted by so many verse that tell me that I am good enough. Through Christ Jesus I have God-given talents and I have a future.

And what do you know? I'm actually excited about Monday's ceremony now.