It's hard to sum up what's been going through my head the last few weeks. As my plans for moving back home are finalized, it's hard for me to look to the calendar and see nothing after a certain date.
As a teacher for the past three years, my life has been a continuous stream of planning for "what's next". The next lesson, the next unit, the next skill, getting ideas, researching topics, creating projects and PowerPoints and handouts. Even the summer has always been looking forward to a new building and a new staff (I've moved school buildings 4 times in 3 years and changed staff twice). Suddenly, there's nothing. I went to Joann's today and realized there is no one to buy $1 sticker books for, no use for pre-cut quilting squares or no need to buy clearance bead sets. It's a feeling of not having anything concrete to look forward to.
I'm coming to grips with the fact that my life was wrapped quite tightly around my profession. It drove my schedule, my creativity, my thoughts, and for several years my finances as well. And as with most things you cling to and value above everything else, God rips them from your arms and you come to terms with where you really stand. Surrender is incredibly painful. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Surrender is also vital, I'm discovering. I can't claim God as my Everything if I hold back 90% of my life.
What I've found however as part of this process is that it's a war for my heart. I have days where my confidence level with God is sky-high. I feel like I will do anything and go anywhere for Him, that waiting and uncertainty are fun and exciting adventures. But then comes the days like today when a single email can send me reeling and Satan starts his subtle whispering of "God's not going to come through this time," and it takes everything within me to not just give in and agree. This is the point where so many people get taken out, their hearts shackled, their dreams killed and they settle for a distant God and a predictablely mundane future. I know I have to be extremely careful or end up with a trail of destructive, emotionally-driven decisions behind me.
So, that's where I'm at today. Ask me tomorrow, it will probably be different. I'm getting used to the "Work in Progress" me. As I told Lisa yesterday, I feel like our church building. God's laying down the utilities and the sewer pipes. Things are changing radically, but you can't see it yet. He's preparing to build, but He can't do that until the groundwork is laid and the foundation is firm.
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1 comment:
So you're really moving away? I had not idea.
I love what you've written here. We all struggle with this from time to time. What a great way to think about it though!
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